3 Keys to building a healthy, effective communication style with your aging loved one on tough topics. Part 2 of 3

Welcome back to the series 3 Keys to building a healthy, effective communication style with your aging loved one on tough topics. Last time I covered the 1st Key – Timing, which is so important! 
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Before I move on to the 2nd Key factor, the one that contributes to creating an effective communication style, I would like to challenge you a bit. 

When it comes to your aging loved one’s point of view, do you have it all figured out? Do you know exactly what's going on for them and the challenges that your aging loved one is facing? Are you 100% convinced that what you know is the absolute correct facts? 

Each person who is reading this is facing their own unique circumstances with their unique aging loved one, right?! Call this a disclaimer, but I invite you to hear me out as I introduce the second important factor towards an effective communication style with your aging loved one –which is Fact vs. Fears.

I get it! You want the best for your aging loved one. You wouldn't be spending your time reading this and seeking to learn if this was not true. If you've already read our free resource “Relationship stress with your aging loved one? How to ease the strain and enjoy your time together” Great! If not, you can click the link to get it. If you have read it, you will remember I encouraged you to make a note and date in a journal when you notice something different or challenging your aging loved one is facing. This creates a document that you and their doctor can refer to when it is time. The journal will tell the wider story including the frequency and progression of changes and challenges. These are facts, the “what is” and “what had been”.

We all can agree that when emotions get the best of us –and it's pretty common when it comes to our aging loved ones– before we respond, we want to pause and check ourselves for assumptions, stories, and even our knee-jerk reactions. These are our fears showing up. To illustrate an example, on several occasions you had noted that mom is not eating very well at mealtimes. She is choosing snacky, less nutritious, easy to grab food instead of cooking meals like she always had done. Rather than jumping to conclusions and telling yourself a story that she can possibly no longer be trusted for decisions and questioning her capabilities to prepare food, you make a note of what happened with the date, and keep an eye on things. You are looking to see if this is a short term trend or is it happening more frequently and affecting other areas of her life. Is her mood changing? Is she losing weight? Is she sleeping all the time? Are there changes happening in her health? What you're looking for are the impacts from what is happening or in this case not happening – her eating nutritious food. 

The answers will guide you to your next steps. In the example, the next step could be strategically timed visit(s) over a period of time that happens to be around the mealtime to see what comes up for her around deciding what to eat and preparing a meal. This can lead to clues as to why she's not eating well like she did before. Possibilities such as she can't be bothered to cook, no motivation to start or can’t decide what to make, she is ignoring her hunger until it is too late and just grabs what is easy, she has an issue with an intolerance that upsets her stomach or uncomfortable dentures or a mouth sore. Depending on what you learn, ideas for support will be clearer.  Consider downloading our resource “Healthy Eating Support for Your Aging Loved One, who wishes to remain at home” for some ideas and strategies on this topic.

By being aware of the Facts Vs. (your) Fears and by checking your assumptions, you are preventing unnecessary stress for you and your aging loved one. This will help you stay calm and clear to the matter at hand and not a story of what may or may not be. It will help you decide what is urgent and what is not, so you can take a breath and slow down. 

You know you always make the best decisions when you are calm, and when you are calm, others around you will feel the difference too.

Next time I will introduce the 3rd and remaining Key factor to building a healthy, effective communication style with your aging loved one on tough topics. It is Reframe and it is critical to ensuring that we keep essential human qualities in our relationships, particularly when caregiving is involved.