3 Keys to building healthy, effective communication style with your aging loved one on tough topics. Part 1 of 3

As a family caregiver to aging loved ones many times you will find that tough conversations need to happen. It's part of life to have tough conversations with anyone, but with your aging loved one it can be extra difficult because you want the best for them, you want them to be safe, to be happy, and to remain as independent as they can be on their terms but sometimes a little extra support is needed. How do you have worthwhile conversations about these things without causing upset and damaging the relationship?
There are three important factors that contribute to an effective communication style where communication is heard, received and considered with the most positive intent behind it. Those three factors are Timing, Fact vs. Fears, and Reframe. If one or more are missing, you will be faced with upset, misunderstanding and an impacted relationship. Develop the habit of all three and you and your aging loved one will have a communication style and presence that is built on trust, respect and positive enablement, rather than resistance, control and upset.
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First, let's talk about Timing. ​

In your life so far and looking back on all the conversations you've had with anyone, have you just blurted out a sensitive topic without first assessing the timing and current circumstances surrounding that person. Before speaking, did you ask yourself if this was indeed a good time to bring the subject up? If this ever did happen to you, what was the outcome? –Was it a good experience? Most likely it was not a good experience for you or the other person and the communication might have broken down pretty quickly with perhaps some lasting impacts on your relationship. 
Timing plays a critical role when an important conversation needs to be had with your aging loved one. Ask yourself questions like: “Am I considering the state they are in right now?” “Is this a good time of day for my aging loved one or are they hungry, thirsty, concerned or agitated about something, or tired?” And ask yourself, “is this really the best time for such a conversation?”
The other part about Timing is setting the groundwork before having important conversations. I’m talking about making it normal in your relationship to have light conversations that can include reflections and deeper subjects. Deeper subjects like health, what they want life to look like now and in the future, where they want to live, the idea of support and what that could look like for them. It takes time to build this new normal and for it to be comfortable because you want to learn their point of view and any concerns they may have. Overtime, have a series of light conversations that come from a place of curiosity and exploring. This is not the time for the decision making but just simply having a dialogue to see where these topics are with them and if they even are on their radar or not. 
Light conversations come with no pressure and they can be great opportunities for you to learn –not only from their answers but from how they are behaving during the conversation. If they are quick to dismiss the subject, it can mean it is a potentially upsetting topic for them. Perhaps they need more space and time to contemplate the topic and revisit later. You may learn that they view themselves as more capable than what may be going on for them. They may be feeling more vulnerable and prefer to not deal with the idea of change now. Whatever you learn, when it comes time for the bigger conversations, you can adjust your approach by considering all that you have learned.
Remember, by starting early and often and by keeping it light, you set the stage for the normalcy of which to build greater conversations later. Otherwise, if all your conversations had been around the price of gas and the weather, then you will never get to know your aging loved one’s perspective of how they truly are doing and feel they are doing. What is challenging them, what the obstacles small or big are coming up for them, and what they want for themselves in their later years and the road ahead. Just thing of how impactful your future conversations would be if you took the time to set the foundation beforehand. If that foundation is not already in place, then the best time to start is now.

Keep an eye out for the next installment of this series. I will cover the 2nd Key to building healthy, effective communication style with your aging loved one on tough topics. It is called Fact vs. Fears. This is a real game-changer and an eye opener for many families.