​How would it feel to have someone you don’t know very well come up and ask you questions? Specific questions that require specific answers. Answers that, it feels only you would know.

You may be thinking, “it depends on the questions, and it depends on the time of day” and those are valid answers for sure! Fair enough.

What if the person asked you the questions first thing in the morning, right after you got up and before your coffee? What if they spoke very quietly or in Pig Latin or asked you something that you felt was so random it caused you to wonder why they are even asking?

While visiting aging loved ones living with dementia, a visitor needs to keep a few things in mind when they are looking to engage through conversation.

Consider these tips:
1. Timing of your interaction. Just like you, your aging loved one has better times of the day and worst times of the day for socializing and engaging. Trying to “make something happen” during the not-so-great time of day will not turn out so well for everyone.

2. Reminders to meet the needs of your aging loved one. Preparing for your visit ahead of time with helpful reminders for yourself or others who join you.  A few examples: He hears better on his left side; I must face him when speaking so he can read my lips and face expression; I don’t need to yell but to speak up and talk a little more slowly and clearly. 

3. Be relatable. The Game 20 questions is fun —when everyone is aware they are playing a game. Coming into a visit and peppering someone with random questions on all topics imaginable can be confusing and frustrating. Come prepared with a couple of topics that are relevant and relatable to your aging loved one. See where the conversation takes you both. Have fun, keep it light. If your loved one is telling a story, use your imagination and visualize as if it is a “movie”. From there, you may have a new perspective in which to ask other questions including “what was that like for you?”  

4. Remove the pressure. Regardless of whether someone living with dementia or not, if you find some of their answers or details in a story are lost or inaccurate, be sure to take the pressure off them to find the “right answer”. This may be a good cue to go more generally with the conversation. For example, if you find that asking for the name of Aunt Ella’s late husband and the year they were married comes up at a loss, then take the pressure off by saying, “Aunt Ella and her husband, I can’t recall his name…I think they got married in the 1940’s”. You can turn the question into more of a general statement. It takes the pressure off your aging loved one and the conversation can flow easier. If your loved one does have the details, they can correct you or add to your generalized statement. If they provide incorrect details, then ask yourself, how important is it at this time? Most often it is fine to let it slide or take the topic more general.  

5. Be aware. As with all interactions, be mindful of how your aging loved one is doing. Are they getting tired? Do they need a drink or a snack? What about a change of scenery and moving to another area? Visiting is a full body experience, and it can distract from other needs. Having a drink, a snack, some variety in surroundings all help to regulate ourselves so we widen the “best time of day” for ourselves and those we visit.  

Visiting with your aging loved one has the potential to be most enjoyable for everyone with a little preparation ahead of time. Taking the pressure off them and you are helpful. Other considerations, from being aware, mean that everyone comes together at their best. Adding grace and understanding means that meaningful and memorable times are made together.