 The third important factor that contributes to an effective communication style between you and your aging loved one is Reframe. The dictionary defines the word Reframe as “to change the way something is expressed or considered”. There are a few different ways that you can use the technique of reframing when communicating with your aging loved one. One way is to remember that the words you use matter. Rather than a direct statement, you can lean on another person's story. For example, if your best friend or neighbor shared with you how their aging parent is receiving support you can casually mentioned to your aging loved one their story without a direct inclination that they do the same. It's just planting seeds, food for thought. Approaching a topic casually and from a wider view not specifically directed towards your aging loved one. This is a gentler way to see how well received it will be. One other consideration is to think back when you were younger. Consider the language that your parent used on a regular basis with you. How effective was their communication when they were giving advice or making suggestions to you? Were they short and direct? Did they rely on stories to paint a picture to help you come to your own conclusions? And how was it received by you? Were you open to make a change, or did you close down and dismiss their ideas? There may be clues for you today to consider when choosing the words and the approach that ultimately means a change for them in the future. Reframing can also be a reminder for you that not all communication has to be centred on concerns and deep topics. It means that when any human being, including your aging loved one has a slip up (and is not safety related), it doesn't need to be in the spotlight each and every time. That would be unwanted and not helpful. Reframing could simply mean your aging loved one is having a bad day, a bad moment or simply just part of the “in between” time while things are being worked out. Give them and yourself some grace. Throughout life as a family caregiver to an aging loved one ultimately you will have to have tough conversations. Using these three important factors that contributes to effective communication style of Timing, Fact vs. Fears, and Reframe means that you are creating and will be preserving your positive relationships and putting your aging loved ones needs at the forefront. One thing that you can rely on is that you will get feedback from your aging loved one and that will help you know how effective your approach is or if you need to make some changes along the way. Give them and yourself some grace.   Welcome back to the series 3 Keys to building a healthy, effective communication style with your aging loved one on tough topics. Last time I covered the 1st Key – Timing, which is so important! Before I move on to the 2nd Key factor, the one that contributes to creating an effective communication style, I would like to challenge you a bit. When it comes to your aging loved one’s point of view, do you have it all figured out? Do you know exactly what's going on for them and the challenges that your aging loved one is facing? Are you 100% convinced that what you know is the absolute correct facts? Each person who is reading this is facing their own unique circumstances with their unique aging loved one, right?! Call this a disclaimer, but I invite you to hear me out as I introduce the second important factor towards an effective communication style with your aging loved one –which is Fact vs. Fears. I get it! You want the best for your aging loved one. You wouldn't be spending your time reading this and seeking to learn if this was not true. If you've already read our free resource “Relationship stress with your aging loved one? How to ease the strain and enjoy your time together” Great! If not, you can click the link to get it. If you have read it, you will remember I encouraged you to make a note and date in a journal when you notice something different or challenging your aging loved one is facing. This creates a document that you and their doctor can refer to when it is time. The journal will tell the wider story including the frequency and progression of changes and challenges. These are facts, the “what is” and “what had been”.  We all can agree that when emotions get the best of us –and it's pretty common when it comes to our aging loved ones– before we respond, we want to pause and check ourselves for assumptions, stories, and even our knee-jerk reactions. These are our fears showing up. To illustrate an example, on several occasions you had noted that mom is not eating very well at mealtimes. She is choosing snacky, less nutritious, easy to grab food instead of cooking meals like she always had done. Rather than jumping to conclusions and telling yourself a story that she can possibly no longer be trusted for decisions and questioning her capabilities to prepare food, you make a note of what happened with the date, and keep an eye on things. You are looking to see if this is a short term trend or is it happening more frequently and affecting other areas of her life. Is her mood changing? Is she losing weight? Is she sleeping all the time? Are there changes happening in her health? What you're looking for are the impacts from what is happening or in this case not happening – her eating nutritious food.
The answers will guide you to your next steps. In the example, the next step could be strategically timed visit(s) over a period of time that happens to be around the mealtime to see what comes up for her around deciding what to eat and preparing a meal. This can lead to clues as to why she's not eating well like she did before. Possibilities such as she can't be bothered to cook, no motivation to start or can’t decide what to make, she is ignoring her hunger until it is too late and just grabs what is easy, she has an issue with an intolerance that upsets her stomach or uncomfortable dentures or a mouth sore. Depending on what you learn, ideas for support will be clearer. Consider downloading our resource “Healthy Eating Support for Your Aging Loved One, who wishes to remain at home” for some ideas and strategies on this topic. By being aware of the Facts Vs. (your) Fears and by checking your assumptions, you are preventing unnecessary stress for you and your aging loved one. This will help you stay calm and clear to the matter at hand and not a story of what may or may not be. It will help you decide what is urgent and what is not, so you can take a breath and slow down. You know you always make the best decisions when you are calm, and when you are calm, others around you will feel the difference too. Next time I will introduce the 3rd and remaining Key factor to building a healthy, effective communication style with your aging loved one on tough topics. It is Reframe and it is critical to ensuring that we keep essential human qualities in our relationships, particularly when caregiving is involved.  As a family caregiver to aging loved ones many times you will find that tough conversations need to happen. It's part of life to have tough conversations with anyone, but with your aging loved one it can be extra difficult because you want the best for them, you want them to be safe, to be happy, and to remain as independent as they can be on their terms but sometimes a little extra support is needed. How do you have worthwhile conversations about these things without causing upset and damaging the relationship? There are three important factors that contribute to an effective communication style where communication is heard, received and considered with the most positive intent behind it. Those three factors are Timing, Fact vs. Fears, and Reframe. If one or more are missing, you will be faced with upset, misunderstanding and an impacted relationship. Develop the habit of all three and you and your aging loved one will have a communication style and presence that is built on trust, respect and positive enablement, rather than resistance, control and upset.  First, let's talk about Timing. In your life so far and looking back on all the conversations you've had with anyone, have you just blurted out a sensitive topic without first assessing the timing and current circumstances surrounding that person. Before speaking, did you ask yourself if this was indeed a good time to bring the subject up? If this ever did happen to you, what was the outcome? –Was it a good experience? Most likely it was not a good experience for you or the other person and the communication might have broken down pretty quickly with perhaps some lasting impacts on your relationship.
Timing plays a critical role when an important conversation needs to be had with your aging loved one. Ask yourself questions like: “Am I considering the state they are in right now?” “Is this a good time of day for my aging loved one or are they hungry, thirsty, concerned or agitated about something, or tired?” And ask yourself, “is this really the best time for such a conversation?” The other part about Timing is setting the groundwork before having important conversations. I’m talking about making it normal in your relationship to have light conversations that can include reflections and deeper subjects. Deeper subjects like health, what they want life to look like now and in the future, where they want to live, the idea of support and what that could look like for them. It takes time to build this new normal and for it to be comfortable because you want to learn their point of view and any concerns they may have. Overtime, have a series of light conversations that come from a place of curiosity and exploring. This is not the time for the decision making but just simply having a dialogue to see where these topics are with them and if they even are on their radar or not. Light conversations come with no pressure and they can be great opportunities for you to learn –not only from their answers but from how they are behaving during the conversation. If they are quick to dismiss the subject, it can mean it is a potentially upsetting topic for them. Perhaps they need more space and time to contemplate the topic and revisit later. You may learn that they view themselves as more capable than what may be going on for them. They may be feeling more vulnerable and prefer to not deal with the idea of change now. Whatever you learn, when it comes time for the bigger conversations, you can adjust your approach by considering all that you have learned. Remember, by starting early and often and by keeping it light, you set the stage for the normalcy of which to build greater conversations later. Otherwise, if all your conversations had been around the price of gas and the weather, then you will never get to know your aging loved one’s perspective of how they truly are doing and feel they are doing. What is challenging them, what the obstacles small or big are coming up for them, and what they want for themselves in their later years and the road ahead. Just thing of how impactful your future conversations would be if you took the time to set the foundation beforehand. If that foundation is not already in place, then the best time to start is now. Keep an eye out for the next installment of this series. I will cover the 2nd Key to building healthy, effective communication style with your aging loved one on tough topics. It is called Fact vs. Fears. This is a real game-changer and an eye opener for many families. |
Senior Living, Assistance, Support and Activities. A Friend Indeed serving Calgary, Airdrie, Cochrane and Didsbury
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