Ruts!

We drive in them, we walk through them, we curse their existence! The deeper the ruts, the more we complain. Whether they are built out of snow and ice or mud and water, they arise every year, much to our chagrin.

What about some other types of ruts? Some may call them habits or routines. Nothing against the familiar; the familiar can be satisfying, predictable, even enjoyable.

Until it isn’t. Then it becomes a rut.

We are wired to like the familiar. Our brains learn from repetition and look for the shortest, easiest way to get something done to save energy and time, sometimes at the cost of creativity and pleasure that comes from variety.

Visiting aging loved ones can become a very familiar experience to the family. Have you caught yourself playing out the entire visit ahead of time in your imagination before you even arrive? Predicting the same old conversations, reactions, and responses you will get from your loved one? Perhaps you even calculate when your visit will end.

Does this sound familiar? Then you are in a rut!

It’s time to shake things up, for the sake of your loved one and for you! You have no time to spare.

Whether your loved one lives in a care facility or at home, there are many ways to add variety to your visits. Here are a few ideas to get you going!

1. Bring something old(er): On your next visit, bring along something that is meaningful to you to talk about and show your loved one. Let her see your excitement and enthusiasm when telling your story about it. Even if she doesn’t understand the specifics, there is still so much joy coming from the energy you bring as you share. Alternatively, you can bring something that is meaningful to her from her past. Talk openly about your experience of her and it. Ask open-ended questions if she is unable to recall many details. Marvel in it together. See where it leads you and her together.

2. Present something new: Consider her abilities and interests when deciding what to bring. Show her how it works, how it comes together, the purpose of it, or what it was made of. Show her something new and marvel at the whole and/or the parts of it. Be fascinated and make it fascinating! See where it leads - old stories, comparison of then and now are a few examples.

3. Engage the senses: If your regular visits involve mostly talking and listening, how could you involve other senses? Is there something that could be touched? Something soft, cozy, and warm, for example. What about smell? A light fragrance, flowers, baked goods—you get the picture! Taste? How about baked goods? (I’m starting to get hungry now!) What about an old recipe she was known for? The sense of sight? How long has it been since you and she looked at old photo albums together or a framed picture that is kept a little too high in her room and doesn’t ever get looked at? 

These are just a few ideas to inspire you. It is easy to make a simple change. Doing so will help you and your aging loved one have more meaningful and fulfilling time together. Your relationship will deepen, and it will be time well spent for both of you. Get yourself out of the rut.