What is your top priority as a family caregiver when it comes to supporting your aging loved one who is living with dementia?
 
Has anyone asked you this question before? Have you ever asked yourself? There are a lot of priorities to choose from. Let’s consider the most common possibilities of safety, nutrition and activity to see where you stand.
 
Is safety your top priority?
If your loved one lives in their home, or if he lives in a suite at a care facility, do you have concerns about safety? Is there a chance they may wander or fall? Do you catch yourself worrying during times of the day (or wake up at night) about this? If so, then safety might be your top priority.
 
How about the quality of nutrition and staying hydrated?
If your loved one remains at home and he relies on you to shop and prepare nutritious meals for him, it can also be an added challenge to get him to eat! Perhaps he eats at unusual times of the day, or reaches for the same ‘ol thing, or something easy (and not necessarily the best choice). These are common challenges a family caregiver can face.
For a loved one living in a care facility, challenges of waiting until set meal or snack times, or not liking the current menu option, or bypassing the meal and heading straight to the dessert can happen. If he doesn’t initiate his request, having to wait for the offer of a drink or snack throughout the day may mean a lower intake of both. If you are concerned with his eating or getting enough fluids in a day, then nutrition and hydration may be your top priority.
 
What fills your aging loved one’s day?
What does he look forward to? What does he excel at or at least really enjoy doing? How a person spends his day can directly influence his mood, behavior, body and mind. Every person ultimately wants to feel included and accomplished. Contributing to and feeling successful at something, even if that something is a small thing.  With the right support available and with the right approach, together it can feel like something more significant. During the day, does your loved one spend some of their time focused on an activity or in conversation? Something appropriate to his abilities and interests and then does he come away feeling wonderful? Or does it seem like there are too many hours in a day with the next day being more of the same? Does this boredom influence his behavior and mood? Does he get to move his body, and does he get to make decisions to exercise his mind? Are you thinking this might be your top priority for your aging loved one?
 
Priorities today may change as time goes on and as circumstances shift. Whether your aging loved one lives in care or at home, the priorities of safety, nutrition/hydration and purposeful activities are all very real. Each person’s circumstances are different and as a caregiver, you are overseeing all aspects of their care. It is a big role with a lot on your shoulders.
If you are thinking about additional support, consider having a Friend matched with your loved one. A Friend to be that second set of eyes and ears for you. A Friend who can help with shopping, meal prep and company at the table. A Friend to offer gentle encouragement and opportunities for healthy snacks and hydration. A Friend who can bring meaningful activities that will engage and bring out the best in your loved one and help to use up unspent mental and emotional energy from the day.
It all starts with asking the question – “what is my top priority for my aging loved one?” Let’s have a conversation. Reach out to Robyn at 403-980-0199 to discuss.

There is a social media group called Dementia Daughters Canada. I’ve been a member for quite some time. People post their questions, concerns and celebrations all relating to being a caregiver for a loved one living with dementia. If I do say so myself, it is a really nice community with a safe space to put things out there and ask for a listening ear or for other caregivers’ experience-based advice.
The posts and the responses are made from real people who all want the same thing, to do the best they can for their aging loved one and not lose themselves entirely in the process.
Having been in service for many families over the past 14 years and having been a caregiver to my own mom, any contribution I add to a post is made strictly from a place of giving and not trying to take center stage. And so, it often means that only a portion of what I want to pass along is posted with so much more [I feel] left unsaid.
For anyone who is interested and who may feel it would be helpful for their situation, I will remove the name of the person who posted and share what I wanted to say.
The post (name removed for privacy):
“It takes a strong person to deal with a loved one with dementia. I don’t know if I’m that strong.”
Dear caregiver, I’d like to acknowledge the strength it took for you to write those words and put yourself out there for others in the group to find and give thought to. Your words immediate cause every reader to self-reflect –not only the current struggles they find themselves facing but (hopefully) also seeing that grander picture of the moments that are a little lighter, a little sweeter even though so different from life before.
It does take a strong person, AND it means that one person can’t do it all –all the time. Whether physically, emotionally or mentally, we all need a circle of support around us. It is being brave, and you’ve showed yourself to be, by reaching out even if you are unclear exactly what you need to do next. Being open is the way.
I learned a great lesson years ago from my husband who was a cyclist. He said when things get tough and you aren’t sure if you can make the whole ride, just look at the next 10 feet (and the next 10 feet), and so on.
You will get there, and you don’t need to worry about the whole ride. Just focus on the next 10 feet. Give yourself the grace you need and deserve. You are doing and will do well.

Life is just carrying on as it does when all the sudden you notice something a bit different with a story from your elderly parent.

Throughout your life, you've heard their stories over and over, but today, that all too familiar story has changed.

Perhaps there is a big gap of detail missing or maybe it was altered in some other way.

This change from the usual and familiar doesn't make sense. You question it internally because, over the years you’ve heard that story the familiar way and not this version.

Rather than letting your thoughts run away with themselves and assume the worst, you decide to catch your thoughts. This could be just a mind's blip in the moment of recall. No harm and no foul after all, in that moment.

But ask yourself, prior to the blip, did you notice if you had been somewhat tuned out during the story?  And when the blip did happen, did you have to catch yourself from the immediate need to want to correct and to validate our own recollection of the story? After all, when a story is “off”, it can be a springboard to bring you back into the present moment. How do you want to return?

The present moment is all we have, and we can honour those around us by being present with them and what they have to say.

What a gift active listening is for your elderly parent – for us all really!

Remember to listen and to decide ahead before you speak whether correction needs to be made and if so, then yourself why. Does it matter that a detail is missing or altered in a story? If yes, then tenderness can be delivered alongside.

Enjoy your time together. Enjoy this present moment you have with each other.
It truly is a gift.

Caregiving for an aging loved one is ever changing and time consuming. You often feel like you aren't doing enough but what else is there to do? The frustration in it all.

You want to make sure Mom, or your aging loved one, is happy and safe, but she does things that make you worry so much and then gets combative if you try to “tell her what to do”. This push and pull on the relationship create stress and strain for both of you. Not the ideal relationship either of you want.

Then on top of everything, you most likely feel like you are being swallowed up by the demands of your caregiving role. It's not that you don't want to be there for Mom, but sometimes the added responsibility can create caregiver burnout – it's a real thing!

Did you know there are Three Phases to your own caregiving journey?

• Early Phase, whether you first notice challenges where there was none in the past or her work-around solutions aren’t working so well anymore.

 

• Mid Phase, when you’ve notice you are being called on more often and for greater reasons.

 

• Later Phase, the playing field has changed, and you need to continue to figure things out and adjust to those changes.
  

Knowing that the caregiving journey is fluid helps you to set better expectations that will help both you and Mom adjust to the ever-changing conditions and needs.

We have created a guide for the family caregiver called Relationship Stress with Your Aging Loved One? How to Ease the Strain and Enjoy Your Time Together.

This guide is helpful support for caregivers. It covers the three phases of caregiving, and it will give you added insight to your aging loved one that you may have never known before. It will cause you to take a step back and see them and their actions from a different perspective, different from what you've always known or assumed. When challenges arise and you're coming from a new perspective, it will be like taking a deep breath when you need it to help you navigate through the challenge together.

Download the Free Guide. Learn what you've been missing. Ease the relationship strain between you and your aging loved one and start enjoying your time together.

If you have already downloaded the guide, feel free to reach out to discuss your current circumstances, we can provide helpful suggestions and support for you and your aging loved one.

“I want to go home!”
 Your heart is torn. Your aging loved one is living in care now.  How do your respond to such a question?

There isn't a tried and true answer for everyone. You know your aging loved one best and what is all going on for her, in that moment.
 
When she requests to go home or asks when will she go home, first acknowledge what she asked, if you need to, a little white lie can help soothe her in that moment,  then try a redirection.
 
Try this out, see what happens when you redirect to a story of a memory from your teenage years or a childhood memory about growing up. Something positive … even something random but familiar.
 
It could look like this:
Mom: "When am I going home?"
 
"Mom, I'm not quite sure,  we are waiting to hear.  Do you know what just popped into my mind? I was thinking about the front porch of the house we had on the farm. I remember all the flowers you planted along side it --Daffodils. They always came up every spring. I pretended they were little soldiers. I knew better not to touch them."

Then pause and let her take in that story.
The idea is to see if the subject can be moved away (even temporarily) from the stress of wanting to go home/not being at home. To something more soothing and familiar.
 
Your story has potential avenues of additional topics to move further away from the upset and help to calm her in the moment.
 
Using trial and error, you can learn so much about her responses. What works and what doesn't.
 
Quite often home signifies "comfort, security, peace". Give yourself and your aging love one grace as you navigate this time together.

This moment.
It is the only thing we have. This very moment.

My hope for you is that you feel well, safe, secure, and even happy ... in this moment right now.

As a family caregiver to an aging loved one, you know there are some moments that are very joyful while other moments can be tough to get through. Frustration, anxiety over the uncertainty, even loneliness can appear. Guilt is usually never far away either, right?

When you catch yourself in moments that don’t feel good, please remember, and act on these two things:

1. Acknowledge your feelings. Notice them as though you are noticing the environment around you. Even say it out loud so you can hear the words. “I feel overwhelmed right now.” “I feel sad right now.” “I feel irritated right now.” These are a few examples. Say it, just simply, so you can hear it.

 

1. Then, take a few moments to be with yourself quietly after hearing those words. Don’t get into the story of why and what. Don’t project into the future of what may come around again to further escalate your feelings. Just. Be. With. Them. For. A. Few. Moments. And breathe. Imagine that feeling is like a little child and give that child a hug. Reassure and comfort that child. Use that moment to feel a feeling of comfort.

 
You are doing great! Do you know how I can say that? It’s because you are doing the best YOU can with what you have and what you know!

And when you don’t know something, you reach out to learn something new or different to try. That marks a person for greatness!

Continue to reach out. Continue to learn. Find out other ways to do things, to respond to situations, to gain a bigger perspective on it.

This moment is all we have.
This very moment.

One day it will be in the past to reflect on. I hope it makes you smile. You know, from that bigger perspective. 😊

Have you noticed that everyone has their own unique perspective on life? This is heavily influenced by their past experiences. From time to time something from life shows up and shakes up everything, changing the way we experience what we do and how we show up for others. A SHIFT occurs that causes you to see an experience or a person or your relationship with that person in a whole new way.

Being a caregiver to an aging loved one is a big role. The expectations and the uncertainty of what is occurring as well as what may come can be very stressful for everyone AND their relationships.
 
Did you know there are three Phases of Caregiving? Understanding them will set you up for either success or unnecessary struggle in your relationship.

For this reason, I created a resource to help the family caregiver of an aging loved one make a SHIFT in perspective in:
                  - How they can work together and
                  - How they talk with each other.
 
“Relationship Stress with Your Aging Loved One? How to ease the strain and enjoy your time together.”
 
The resource describes all three Phases of Caregiving. It's easy to read, simple to use, and has quick tips you can put in action right away.
 
There is nothing more exhausting that having to fight for everything every day.
–that's the hard way.
Feeling ease and respect for both you and your aging loved one.
–that's the healthy way.
 
Relationships can remain healthy with a SHIFT in perspective. Once your perspective SHIFTS, it doesn’t turn back.  

You can access the resource here.

If one’s Nature and one’s Environment are at odds with each other, that person can become emotionally drained, irritable, and just plain unhappy- uggh!
 
We have all been there from time to time. Ignoring the signs and then those feelings turn into behaviours and actions that can be regrettable. It doesn’t feel good.
 
Let’s start with you, the caregiver first. What’s your nature? We know that Introverts replenish their energy from being in quiet and/or solitude while, extroverts replenish their energy from being with others. What describes you?
 
What do you think is your loved one’s nature? Does she tend to move leave busy environments to have time away from the high energy performers in her life? Does he retreat to a space to be with himself or with a single person who he enjoys being with while settling down and restoring his emotional energy once again. If these opportunities are not available to them, does their behaviour or actions change drastically?
 
The key is understanding what your nature is and the nature of your loved one. Recognizing, creating, and supporting an environment that nurturers their nature –to be at their best self. Communicating with them and on their behalf to others to help support their best environment. Being aware of their signs and triggers that speak to what is going on for them and how they are feeling. Helps you to know if a change in environment is needed at that time or not.
 
Having the right kind of activities and the right amount of activities supports this healthy environment so your loved one can be their best self and you can be your best self. Which is why we have created several new Visit Types. Your loved one’s needs are unique and being able to pick and choose which Visit Types work best will make all the difference.
 
No one is a “pure” introvert or a “pure” extrovert but rather a unique mixture that tends to dip to one side more than the other, particularly when life (or your environment around you) tends to feel out of control.
 
If you have any questions, please give me a call. We can discuss how life is for you and for your loved one. We want to support you in making a healthy environment, tailored to your loved one’s nature, so both of you can be your best selves.
If you are wondering what you are or what your loved one may be, here is a quick and easy test to help: https://introvertdear.com/introvert-extrovert-test-quiz/

The last days of summer aren’t guaranteed.

I wanted to a do a little writing on this Sunday afternoon of the long weekend. The weather is pretty nice. Rather than grab a laptop and get it all setup, I opted for a simple pen and paper. After all, I’m just going to jot down a few notes outside in the backyard, in the shade of our tree.

I decide to let the dog and the cat out too. Our cat is confined to only our backyard and only when someone is outside with him. He likes to explore the garden and I’m sure in his mind becomes invisible or maybe he is satisfying some primal instinct of being a great hunter.

Anyways, this is the plan.

Procrastination has been on my mind lately and I notice an inner struggle. All the things that need to be done, take time to do and somewhere in all of that is the need to rest.

I’m practicing observing. Observing how I feel when thoughts come up. I’m also practicing detachment. Key word = practicing. This is so I don’t let a thought take me down a rabbit hole and bring along my feelings and emotions with it. Nope, writing will be good to do today, even if I just get a couple of topics or a few lines done. It will be a start and that will feel good.

I set up my chair in the shade of our tree. I notice the waterfall for our little pond in the garden is not running. That can be left for another day because I’m going to write and relax outside in my backyard.

Where’s the cat?

I get up to look in the garden and he is behind the pond. I see all the leaves in the water, which caused the pump to stop working. I see a dead baby bird in the water. My goodness, so sad. I bless it and decide that it can’t wait, the pond must be cleaned right now.

The baby bird didn’t have his eyes opened yet, just little. There are trees around but no nests. I assume it was dropped after a raid. I scoop him up and remove the debris. The water is sucked up with the wet vac. Fresh water is replaced and with a little work, the pump gets the water flowing again.

Where’s the cat?

Ah! Still exploring the backyard. I take the garbage to the alley and go in to wash up. I can’t wait to sit outside and do some writing!

I come back with a glass of water and put it beside my chair in the shade. The dog comes over. He would like some attention. Not now, I’m going to sit in the shade and do some writing. So, I grab his toy, a snack dispensing ball and get a handful of kibbles to put in it. He happily knocks it around the lawn hoping a kibble falls out as a reward for his effort. I don’t like the feel and smell of the kibble on my hand, so I go in yet again to quickly wash up. I’m so looking forward to sitting in my chair, in the shade to do some writing. I open the door and the cat is running my way. He’s ready to come back inside and that is fine by me. I get to now sit in the shade, in my chair and do some writing. It’s going to feel great!

I move my chair, yet again to ensure I will be in the shade for some time as the sun moves throughout this afternoon. I sit down and our old, secondhand lawn chair rips so badly that half of my bottom is right through the canvas. I look up and I laugh! Holding onto my pen and paper so they don’t blow away, I struggle to get out of the broken, reclined chair. I fold it up, put it aside and grabbed the other chair from the matching set. Yes, it did occur to me that the odds may not be in my favor, but I was going to sit in my chair, in the shade and do some writing this afternoon. And I was going to feel great!

The second chair holds! I am finally about to start writing and my husband, now home from work, opens the back door and greets me! I laugh again and he asks what’s going on. I said, “You have to sit here while I tell you what has gone on for the last 45 minutes or so.” We laughed and he goes back inside.

With the dog asleep at my feet, I now have been writing outside while sitting in my chair in the shade and it does feel great!

How does this relate to being a caregiver for an aging loved one?

We know that well intentioned plans can sometimes get derailed –whether momentarily or for longer and that is ok.

Sometimes we need to keep trying despite obstacles and other times to just let go. Even though we know it is better to detach from outcomes, it can be hard to keep that objective. We may find ourselves down that rabbit hole without even realizing it, even when it gets silly and all you can do is laugh.

And lastly, taking some downtime just for you is necessary. To replenish your energy, stamina and take care of your needs for a little while. It is easy to look after one more thing, two more things, but before you know it the shade has passed, your butt is stuck in a lawn chair and the dog is wondering what the heck is wrong with you.

The last days of summer, in the shade and all you can do is laugh at it all. 

Have you ever encountered a time when the person you came to visit wasn’t contributing much to the conversation? We all know that a common way to get a conversation going is by asking a few questions –right? But after a few of your go-to questions, you just aren’t getting anywhere. So, you ask a few more questions...
 
Now you start feeling more like Barbara Walters than yourself and you’re wondering how she is feeling about all the questions too! Yikes! This is not the direction you hoped for. What to do?
 
Let’s step back and see what we can notice about this situation.
The person you are visiting may be more on the introverted side, maybe a little shy if you are new to her, or maybe she is feeling a little anxious because she’s having trouble finding the words to match her thoughts. Perhaps she is having a tougher day with more confusion and answers are harder to find. All of these can be challenging for her and for her visiting Friend.
 
Perhaps there are possibilities available that can direct a visiting Friend.
Sitting together with her in the common area of her care facility means there is usually a lot of different things you can look at together. People watching is always interesting. It can be a good way to engage in a variety of short and simple topics to observe, discuss and comment on. Pretty colors, stylish clothes, what others are doing to name a few. This can spark memories and open-ended questions. For someone introverted, it means the focus is not on her. For someone having difficulties expressing themselves, this can be an enjoyable activity that makes her feel included without the pressures of having to “know the answers”.
 
You can try an experiment like “going fishing”!
I’m not talking about bringing Hip Waders and tackle to your next visit. What I mean is to bring along something that is interesting and active –say knitting or a simple but repetitive craft. Something that involves action while being seated and some sort of materials. [This is baiting the hook.] Sitting at a table together in a common area, you take out this activity and invite her to join you. If she declines but is interested in what you are doing, that is fine! Keep doing it. You will find in a short period of time other residents will be attracted to your table. [Reeling them in.] They will be curious to know what you are doing. With these additional people around, the conversations will take off. You and the one you are visiting will be engaged and it will be on her own terms. The pressure will be off her and there will be lots to enjoy and take in. Including her in the conversation, gives others a chance to get to know her. Giving her time to speak up and share if she wants to, takes the pressure off, and makes it a wonderful and inclusive time for her, for you and the others. You are creating an opportunity for her to be part of something bigger. This is especially good if she was having troubles meeting others or was new to the facility.
 
So, save your questions, notice what cues and clues she is giving you and don’t be afraid to try some experimentation. A little creativity can open a whole new world for her and you both will have fun!