Empowering Another Without Interfering
I recall visiting a lady living in a care facility years ago. I met her in the hall and we sat to look outside at the spring flowers coming up. A series of small strokes in the past had resulted in her limited speech. She could answer yes/no and occasionally a short, clearly spoken phrase. I had been visiting her twice a week regularly for about 8 months or so and we had gotten to know each other quite well.
On this day, she grimaced, and her hand went low on her stomach. “Are you in pain?” –Yes. “Is it an ache or like someone stabbing you?” Nothing. “Is it an ache?” –No. “A stabbing?” –Yes. “Well that doesn’t sound good. Why don’t we go to the nurse’s station and see what she has to say?” –Yes. I wheeled her there and called the nurse’s attention. She came over and ask us “What is wrong?” I crouched down next to my lady and looked at her. I provided the context of what had just happened and my lady’s decision to come to the nurse’s station. I gave them the space to communicate from there. As needed, I filled in more specifics as to what I saw and what I understood from my lady being careful to not diagnose or step in where it was not my role.
Those clues helped the nurse ask more specific questions which my lady was better able to answer. The three of us contributed to effective communication. The nurse could make a plan to help her now as well as a plan to monitor her later. A couple of days later, I learned from my lady’s family that she had a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) and was being treated. Good to catch that early. I was glad to be able to help my lady access the assistance she needed.
When our loved one is in pain, we want to do everything we can to help her. Sometimes the most efficient and effective thing we can do is to listen, to acknowledge what she is saying and observe what is going on. By doing so, we empower our loved one as well as those around them, allowing for better understanding and assistance.
I titled this article after that song by The Beatles. It is an uplifting tune and injects hope through the lyrics to the listener. That is what I wish for you if you find yourself feeling a little down at the moment. If you are feeling a little tired. If you are feeling a little disappointed by something that is not as it should be.
You are a Caregiver. You bounce, you bend, you flex and you adjust to all that comes your way. It can be exhausting and being exhausted isn’t conducive to problem solving, making you less able to respond the way you want to. But feeling it can be a helpful indicator- a reminder that something needs to change. Either permanently or for a temporary basis. Something needs to shift when you catch yourself exhausted.
Take inventory. Step back from the routine knee-jerk reactions and responses to what the moment is throwing you. Take a breath or two. Yes, it is so easy to just do it yourself (because you are experienced and know better and…), ask yourself “is this the best use of my energy?” Don’t get me wrong, if in that moment you are faced with something that would jeopardize the safety or well-being of your loved one, of course step in and do what you need to do. What I am encouraging you to consider- and act on- is to expand your Circle of Support so it is not just on YOU.
What is a Circle of Support? These are the people, systems and services that work with you in your Caregiving role. They benefit you and your loved one. They can be family members, friends, services in the community, systems created by others who are in your shoes. Not just anyone will do though. You have certain criteria that they need to meet. Approach your family members and friends and inquire about their availability- the time (days/ time of day) that you can count on them to do what you need them to do. Having that preset schedule in place allows you that respite time to truly unwind or to know that what you need is going to get done without reminders or micro-management from you. Be clear on what you need and how they can best help you and what that means. If family or friends can provide only casual assistance and not the firm commitment mentioned, then consider checking out a few local services in your area. Learn about them- how they operate, who would be coming, and that they are clear about what it is they will be doing. That understanding will really and truly be helpful to you and to your loved one.
Expanding your Circle of Support will be as uplifting as that tune. It will inject hope and create a feeling of balance back into your life.
Please click the link below and take a moment to watch and really listen to these wise words. Enjoy!