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2nd Area: Comfort –
- Alanthea Clarkson
- 5 days ago
- 7 min read
Updated: 4 days ago
Intro:
Last time we covered the 1st area of life, which is Health. Now we move on to the 2nd area of comfort, when it is working well, all of the 8 areas seem to work better. [link to main blog]
This 2nd area of life is Comfort.
Once again, the topic of Comfort is so wide that, for the purposes of education and inspiration, I will narrow it down and focus on one element. That element is something we all have felt and continue to feel when we are in a state of Calm, when we are feeling seen and have been heard. When our nervous system has settled, and we can breathe easily again.
For your aging loved one, these all ring true for them as well as for you. Over the next while and in many different ways, we will discuss Comfort as being the opposite of when anxiety and upset take hold. We will give you ideas, tips, stories and suggestions to try so you and your aging loved one can experience more Comfort and meet the needs of the 2nd Area of life.
If you haven’t already, follow us on social media so as not to miss the other 7 areas.
Statistics Worth Knowing
Social engagement:
especially with caring individuals—boosts optimism, emotional stability, and cognitive function.
Seniors who feel they “matter” and are socially connected show greater resilience and lower rates of depression.
Feeling valued and connected to others is strongly linked to better mental health outcomes among older adults.
A Story Worth Telling
I recall a lovely elderly lady we visited regularly for a number of years. When we started our visits with her, she was very anxious and had been in this state for quite some time. She was anxious about most everything. It seemed as though she felt things were happening to her instead of for her. She was in a Broda wheelchair, and so she had to rely on others for so much while living in care. She had always been so independent throughout her life.
Communication had become difficult for her, and perhaps she felt that people just didn’t understand her needs or what she wanted, when she wanted it most. Frustration and confusion increased, and this caused her behaviour to change. She would constantly call out “help” or call out for her family. It was upsetting for her, her family, as well as for everyone around her each day and sometimes at night. Her nervous system was on constant high alert, and this was exhausting her body and mind. She and her family needed some relief quickly. Her son reached out to A Friend Indeed.
We really pride ourselves on learning as much as possible about a senior before visits even begin. We want to know who this individual is, how she has seen her world around her and how she currently sees her world now. We want to know what matters to her.
Learning what we did, we started our visits with her. My aim was to be slow and steady. I know from years with my own anxiety that having a sense of predictability in the little things in life can be soothing. I arranged for the same Friend to visit her at the same time and on the same days weekly. Over time and with the predictability, the lady came to know that when her Friend was there, she had answers to her questions, she was less confused about what was going on, and she had someone there to help “fix” what she perceived to be wrong.
Keeping in mind this lady’s preferences, the Friend provided opportunities for her to feel a sense of independence by way of choice and inclusion. For her, it was meaningful to pick out her pyjamas for that evening and set them out. The Friend knew she had done this little ritual her whole life. A small, yet meaningful (to her) chore like this actually pays dividends. Not only does it help with relieving the moment’s anxiety, but it can serve as a reminder and reassurance for the lady that they were the right pjs, laid out. That reassurance repeated itself every time she saw her pjs laid out for the evening.
This small but meaningful task done together with her Friend along with many more such opportunities, helped to calm her over time. Her son noticed a big difference as he was not getting calls from the facility staff to come in. He noticed his mother was doing much better as well. She was less fretful, easier to calm when something did upset her, and she was enjoying her days and the time together with her Friend.
Quotes Worth Sharing
“Listening to the elderly can heal both them and us, bridging gaps between generations.” — Henry Gold
“It is not how much you do, but how much love you put in the doing.”
— Mother Teresa
“Compassion brings us to a stop, and for a moment, we rise above ourselves.”
— Mason Cooley
A Testimonial
“My sister has struggled with the transitions of her life that happened so quickly. Her companion, Sherry, has brought a new joy and excitement to her world. Our family could not be more grateful to her and the amazing organization with whom she works. Thank you." –Heather (sister)
Tips To Help You
Comfort and security are two of the most fundamental needs that all humans need in their lives. Without a good sense of both, your aging loved one can be easily triggered, continually upset and even act out. If those fundamental needs aren’t addressed –as the person needs them to be, their words can escalate into actions, and those actions can evolve into behaviour. If there is a presence of a health challenge, such as a low-lying infection or cognitive decline, the person’s ability to communicate effectively may be compromised, increasing the frustration for everyone.
Do you have the sense that your aging loved one is struggling? If so, what do you do first?
Start with yourself. What do you see and hear? What caused you to even question that there is an upset? Write it out. Write out your words and your feelings.
Next, ask questions. Ask your aging loved one. Ask their care team. Ask other family members. Write it out. Write out their words and their expressions.
Now, consider the overarching umbrella of the fundamental needs: comfort and security. What is now obvious? For example, perhaps their upset occurs more often at a certain time of day. Perhaps their frustration stems from the uncertainty of something around them that is confusing. A solution could be having someone visit at that time of day who is willing to help them make sense of what they perceived to be “wrong” and make it “right” again. A person who can take the time to listen, validate their feelings and support them, or redirect to something more empowering. Finding those clues to help increase their feelings of comfort and security can make a significant difference in your aging loved one’s life and yours.
Tips You Can Act On
A tip to act on:
If your aging loved one has been more stressed lately about something, a possible move, a change in health, a concern that replays in her mind, try this experiment. During your next visit, create intentionally neutral moments. These are moments where decisions don’t need to be made, nothing needs to be carried out, fixed or dealt with. Create moments that can be just …neutral. They can be a safe and peaceful break from everything that life throws at us.
The intention is neutral. Neutral can be a great place to get to when feeling stuck. When someone is upset or worried, it can be too difficult to swing all the way into positivity. BUT, aiming for neutrality, and hanging out there for a little while may just encourage a shift eventually, to the positive. Taking the three steps instead of attempting a big leap not only feels better but may also create an opening for a creative new perspective that wasn’t available before.
A Compliment To The Care Giver
Hey you! Consider for a moment all of the things that are calling your attention right now. But you are here, reading this.
Do you know what that means? It means you value: steady improvement over status quo; continual learning; and your motivation is wanting your aging loved one to have their best life.
So, go ahead and put your focus on this one thing and forget, for now, all the rest vying for your attention! You are leading from your values, and that is pretty great! And YOU are pretty great too!
A Resource For You
Sometimes, without even knowing, we contribute to the stress of our aging loved ones. We mean well and want the best for them –to be comfortable. Sometimes our efforts create the exact opposite of what we are trying so hard to achieve for them.
What if we take a step back, create some space and take a breath? We will be able to see everything and everyone a little differently. Taking the pressure off and creating a calmer and more comfortable relationship.
Some tips to help you get started from our past blog called Removing Pressure from Your Visits. Feb 11, updated Jul 23.]
Downloadable How-To Guide
What Would It Be?
If You Had A Magic Wand, What Would You Choose?
When it comes to your aging loved one’s overall sense of comfort and security, most family caregivers are always looking for ways to improve and to reassure.
If you had a magic wand, what one thing would you ask for in the areas of comfort and security for your aging loved one?
Write it in the comments and see how many other caregivers say the same thing or something different.
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